Three days ago, six days post-surgery, my husband took me to the top of Mt. Ashland for lunch. He hiked while I sat in the sun and listened to hawks and wind in the firs, and quiet. Blessed quiet.
Last week I blogged about my upcoming hysterectomy. I made some (what I think were fairly audacious) commitments in that blog. Here’s the relevant paragraph:
… I’m committing to acceptance of all my emotions and my physical sensations and to noticing and working with my thoughts as needed. I’m committing to the growth and change which are undoubtedly possible these next few days and weeks. I’m committing to vulnerability and to being kind. I’m committing to believing the universe is loving and supportive, and to perceiving people as wanting to help me, wanting only the best for me, loving me. I’m choosing metamorphosis, trusting that what’s coming is amazing — deeper, truer, and fuller that my present life.
I was largely able to keep my commitments when I was in the thick of it: through surgery and the acute recovery phase, and I know my attitude made a huge difference. I needed some encouragement to use my call button in the hospital, to say “thank you” instead of “I’m sorry to be such a bother.” I’m pretty sure I had a couple of unkind moments, but I think it was only twice. It was pretty easy to believe the universe is loving and supportive when just about everyone around me was there to help me feel better and get well. Cards, flowers, meals, lovely body-care products — all were tangible expressions of love. And the prayers. Oh, the prayers. I felt incredibly supported and cared for.
But now, nine days later, I am feeling much better and I am having a hell of a time. I feel well enough that I want to be doing things again. And I’m realizing that, for me, “doing things” means striving and earning my right to exist. Just sitting here, knitting and reading and watching TED talks (and writing, obviously) is sometimes so hard I could cry. And have. But it’s clearly what my body needs me to do, and if I ignore my body’s messages, I’m toast. Dead meat.
So, I have two take-aways today, right now, at this moment.
- I have a long way to go in the whole trusting my intuition/body/universe department. I still want to look outside myself for direction and affirmation.
- I am not in charge of physical reality or other people. Just because I think the world (or my body) should be a certain way doesn’t mean that it is. And I suffer when I compare how I think things should be in this moment with how they actually are, and find the present moment wanting.
I’m so not in charge of what God wants to teach me. And clearly I need to learn these things. So my commitment is to gratitude for my body’s amazing healing power, for what I’m learning, and for the universe which is kind and unconditionally loving. I will stay in my chrysalis as long as I need to.
Here’s a haiku I wrote while sitting in the sun atop Mt. Ashland last Tuesday:
Clouds wind sun sky hawk
Made of God and galaxies
All of us stardust.
Thank you for your prayers and well-wishes. I am grateful.